Completely Infertile and Completely Content
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
Let me start by saying.... if you have not arrived or even come close to being content with your infertility, it is completely okay. Let me clarify.... I still WANT to be a mom.
As your eyes scan through this post, rest my dear sister that I too am on the infertility journey. I know the anguish, the pain, the suffering and the awful "taunting" of Instagram posts and baby showers. I have felt the burning sensation of jealousy that cursed my barren body into the darkest corners of depression and suicidal thoughts. Infertility is a nasty and painful beast that rips your soul into shreds, and leaves you feeling ashamed, worthless, and less of a "woman."
I also have richly grown in contentment.
I thought I would never get here. I can honestly say that I am here, and I am content.
Two years ago was a completely different story, I will never forget folding my arms and leaning up against the cold and hard door frame as I peered into our freshly painted yellow gender neutral bedroom. With each breath,I felt the emptiness of the room in my chest as air would painfully leave my lungs. It was an all to familiar "lump in my throat" feeling.
Day after day this would overtake me, yet Jesus invited me to come to his feet and rest. He did this in so many beautiful ways. I had a couple very special friends and family members in my life that let me grieve in their presence. They mourned with me. They felt my pain, and I knew that they did. They texted me day after day wanting to hear my pain, they came to my side and were patient with me. They sent me letters, gifts, and uplifted my spirit.
Bottom line...they were Jesus to me. They lived out Romans 12:15-16"mourn with those who mourn." Let me encourage you to do this today... pray for the Holy Spirit to lead those people to your heart.
God gave me a ministry, a new best friend, deepened my relationships with people in my life, and even gave me a Godson out of this suffering because of his deep love for me. This is why I am completely content. I know that if I am barren, or have a child God still desires to meet me and pursue me in my darkest of hours.
I can honestly say... if you are struggling with infertility, be encouraged with this prayer:
"Lord you know the anguish that my dear sister is experiencing. Lord please comfort her and protect her as she walks this path that is so unspoken and so foreign. God I pray that you would reveal purpose in her pain as she cries out to you. Lord, allow her to know that you are satisfied with her cries to you. That she does not have to come with elegance to your throne. Teach her Lord that her cries are better that a hallelujah. Lord rescue her and protect her from all the taunting that comes her way through Instagram, Facebook, and other women's pregnancies. Lord you are so faithful and it hurts so much to doubt you. It hurts to doubt and be in confusion with the God who we love. Lord rescue my dear and precious sister on her journey. Give her hope, peace, and rest. Wrap her in your arms, Lord.