It's update time! First of all friends I just want to apologize for the long gap in between posts. We experienced some technical difficulties with our site for a gap there but we're back and thankful for those of you that have continued to follow along even in our absence!
One major update that some of you may or may not know is that we found out a few weeks ago that we are expecting a precious baby boy! His name is Jayden Matthew Sliwa and we are over the moon in love with him already! We've been feeling his strong movements for about 5 weeks now which we've been so thankful for as we continue fixing our eyes on moving onward and upward!
As of today, Jimmy & I have officially reached the 23 week mark with our sweet Jayden. Previous to finding out that we were pregnant this time, I often wondered how I would feel being in this situation again.
I wondered if I would be fearful.
I wondered if my nerves of the “what ifs” would get the best of me.
I wondered if after a certain point in my pregnancy I wouldn’t worry and
I wondered if emotionally I was ready to take on the potential of another loss.
October 2016 rolled around, as the reality of all my wondering was about to come full circle. I quickly came to realize that my reliance on the Lord and on his perfect promises for my life and our family’s future was just as relevant now as it was throughout the darkness that followed our loss. It’s been over 20 weeks since those first faint lines appeared on the display screen. 20 weeks filled with excitement for what lies ahead, contentment for all the times we’ve gotten to see our sweet baby wiggling around inside of me, and thankfulness for another beautiful opportunity to be parents again. On the flip side of all the excitement these past 20 weeks have also come with days filled with an anxious heart that fears loosing another baby. Days covered with fear of the unknown and my inability to be in control of the end result. Days where I have longed for those tiny movements that would reassure me that this baby was okay and even after we have felt him moving I've walked through days filled with fear because I have feel like he isn't moving as much as he was yesterday so something must be wrong.
Life can be cruel, unpredictable, confusing and ruthless. Bad things happen to us that leave us in a place where we have to make the decision, to stay down or to fight back on the daily to get ourselves back up. The delight of the enemy is to seek and to destroy. To destroy our hope, our love, our excitement, our peace and to rob us of our joy. He wants nothing more than to watch us shrink back into those lies that tell us this time wont be any different then last time. He wants nothing more than to watch us fail.
I would like to say today that I’ve reached perfection in all of these areas. I would like to say that the fear of the “what ifs” of this new pregnancy have gone away just because I’m getting farther along. I would like to say that I haven’t let the fear of striking out get to me on many occasions with this new baby. But I can’t. What I can tell you is that in those moments and through our loss I have come to learn that the darkness has no answers. That there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel even if the end seems impossible to reach. I’ve learned that fears are going to rise because we live in a fallen world, but when they do that’s my cue to fight back. That’s my cue to verbally speak truths over my heart and to demand that satan get’s behind me and my family. That’s my cue to fall on my knees and be still before the Lord. That’s my cue to declare that God is in control and his ways are better then mine. That’s my cue to remember that no matter what life looks like and no matter what challenges I might face to remember that He is working everything for the good. That’s my cue to remember that every good and perfect gift is from above. It might not always fall in accordance to my own vision but this truth still remains.
THE TRUTH of the matter is that none of us are perfect. We will all have days where ours fears knock us to the ground and Satan tries to convince us that it’s not worth trying again. These are the times that it’s most important to wake up the next morning and fight even harder. None of us are invincible but we do serve a perfect God that loves us and is fighting for us to trust Him REGARDLESS.
Today friends, will you choose to shrink back in fear or will you choose to fight back and know that He is God.