Today is one of those days.... Those days that my uterus feels empty, and the memory of sitting in front of our infertility doctor with my throat inching in tighter and tighter, and the tears felt like it was the only way I could breathe. Unexplained Infertility. That was a horrible day. I remember feeling like the clinic was swirling around me, I felt like I had to get out of that office, it felt wrong, it felt overwhelming. I just wanted to make a little JoAnna + Casey (my husband and I) and swaddle, kiss, hug, feed, and love forever. Was that so wrong? It's summer 2016 and I just want to be pregnant.... I kept thinking...
Fast forward to tonight. I am admittedly a night owl, and my desire to be a mother is just getting to me on my favorite chic living room couch. I think of how many gifts I need to send to baby shower's that I have missed or are going to miss, I see picture after picture of my beautiful friends and the beautiful children that God is creating inside of them. I will admit, I am overwhelmed by it tonight. Why? I am a planner. And night-time is a popular time for me to plan.
I can't plan for a baby. Right now I am completely stumped, and completely anxious. Do I go to the shower, or not go? What will the people think if I go or not go? Will I have a panic attack walking in the front door? Will my heart be guarded from the people who are insensitive and protect this journey God put me in?
Lisa Rosenthal a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist with over 25 years in infertility states: "How do we support you, ourselves, when we live in a world where, it seems, everyone is pregnant? I say, play it by ear. There will be times when going to a friends' baby shower will feel absolutely fine, no big deal. There may be other times where it will feel next to impossible. Why not treat each event or invitation individually and decide based on how you are feeling in that moment?" (Rosenthal, 2015).
Rosenthal, L. (2015). An infertility story about a baby shower moment. Retrieved February 20, 2017, from http://fertility-news.rmact.com/Path-To-Fertility-Blog/bid/26834/Angry-infertile-woman-me-baby-showers-and-bathrooms
I like Lisa's advice. In my experience, infertility does not stop as your personal life goes on. Friends will have their babies and you will be doing your life and putting one step in front of the other. The one's that love you will understand, and those who don't won't understand.
I love where I am. God has given me another "baby" for now in wanting to finish school. I have even toyed with the idea of documenting hours I spend studying/ giving God back this time of infertility by doing "months" of the year type photo each time I reach 30 hours, just as mother's do with her baby with the days/weeks/ and months.
I am awfully sleepy..... God is in control, we will have our child one day. Black, white, asian, international adoption, domestic adoption? I don't know...... But what I do know is that I can cling to the hope for which I have been called. <3