December 28, 2016. The projected date had arrived. On this day our sweet baby Liam was predicted to be entering our world. As this date approached my heart and my spirit were filled with a variety of mixed emotions. This particular Wednesday morning I stood in our quiet apartment looking down at my growing belly as I ran my fingers across the scars that will forever mark the passing of our Liam. As I ran my fingers across those 3 scars I reflected on everything that we had walked through this past summer and I began to question how I was supposed to be feeling. In that moment I wondered what the right way to feel was as our new sweet baby was bouncing around in my belly, while at the same time the day had come that would officially surpass the arrival of our Liam. How was I supposed to feel when my heart was so thankful for this precious life we’ve been given once again but so grieved at the thought of never getting to know what Liam would have been like. How was I supposed to feel when both baby’s heartbeats I’ve carried inside of my belly but only one of them I’ll be holding in my arms.
Should I grieve for the life we lost? Should I rejoice in the new life we carry? Should I hold onto the past or look forward to the future?
In these moments and through these questions I was reminded that it’s only Jesus who gives and He takes away. Our sweet Liam was never ours to begin with, from the beginning he was snuggled up in the arms of our father. And the baby we have growing inside of my belly today from the beginning was never ours. As I’ve stated before, I do not believe that our circumstances dictate the goodness of our father. I will never fully understand why we got pregnant and lost Liam in the way that we did and I’ll never fully understand the pain and the road that it forced us to walk because of that. I’ll never understand why he isn’t in our arms today and I’ll never understand why God chose to give us new life in October with this precious life. None of these things are for me to understand but they are for me to trust and believe that in the grand scheme of things and in the very end “He is making everything beautiful in it’s time” and “He works all things for the good of those who love Him.”
There was and there is goodness and beauty that has come and will come from both of these lives that I've had the honor of carrying.
My scars are a reminder, a tribute if you will to the pain that came from this summer but more importantly the life that was there in order to carry them. My scars resting against the front of my belly are precious to me. Even if for a short time they remind me that those two heart beats that I’ve carried inside of me over the last 6 months are forever a part of me and close to one another. These siblings even though only one of them we’ll meet on this side of Heaven, are snuggled up close to one another. We’re all together. God’s plans are greater then mine. That fills me up and allows my heart unspeakable joy for this new baby even in the midst of Liam’s Due date. And just like Liam was in the palm of His hands along with this sweet baby we carry now, I know that I am a child of God’s and that my life from the beginning has always rested in His hands.