I find myself constantly in a place of in between. In between longing for Liam and the little life that we’ll never get to watch grow up and hoping for the future and all that is before us. The in between of being grateful for all of the many blessings in my life and having my doubts about what God’s plans for us look like. The in between of desiring to get pregnant again this year and worrying that it will take longer than my heart can handle. The in between of being so excited to see that positive pregnancy test again while at the same time feeling so fearful of loosing another baby. The in between of my heart aching so badly for a life I never got to know while at the same time feeling that if I let go I’m leaving him behind. The in between where I feel like I made everything that happened up in my mind because my belly should be big and round by now but it’s not and there’s no baby inside. The in between of wishing to hold him for just a moment and the reality that that will never happen on this side of Heaven.
The in between is unsettling. It’s frustrating and confusing and it leaves your heart spinning in so many different directions. But I’ve also found it to be purifying. In those moments where I feel like I’m reaching for something to hold onto, something to fill that void that just aches and cries out….. I find myself realizing that there is none but Jesus. There’s nothing for me to grab onto that can “give me more control” or make me feel like I “understand” because that’s not God’s intention for us. His heart hurts when we hurt and He holds every tear that we cry. His desire for us is that in those earth shattering in between dark places, we find rest in Him and Him alone. That when we fall into our weaknesses we find ourselves face down before the Lord surrendering our control and trusting in His love for us and His promises for our lives.