I want to preface this post with that fact that this realization came to me when I was almost 3 months post surgery and loosing our baby. It came in not the most gracious of ways. Jimmy and I had just come home from an event and over a few days time I had been feeling progressively anxious and overwhelmed. In that moment, all of my moments of keeping my smile on and trying to make everyone else around me feel more comfortable had reached an explosive point and I lost it. I picked a fight with Jimmy trying to cover everything I was feeling by pushing false blame towards him, I kicked the laundry basket across the floor, ran into the shower and sat there under the running water in tears. I sat there so embarrassed by my own actions. That entire scene was entirely out of character for me. Where was all of this coming from?? What was wrong with me??
I cried and I cried and then as Jimmy quietly came in, sitting next to me on the floor I looked up at him and I said....."I know these thoughts don't come from the Lord, but I feel like damaged goods."
You know the feeling you get when you're standing in a crowd of people gearing up to play a game of Dodgeball. The team captains go through and one by one they pick the people they want to be on their team. As the crowds begin to thin out the anxiety of being the last one chosen begins to settle in. It's down to the last two. You and one other person, they call out the name and there you are standing all alone. Nobody wanted you. You're damaged goods-at least thats how it makes you feel. That feeling is a hurdle i've been trying to get past for awhile now. At the beginning people feel remorse for you and your loss and they're very understanding. But as time goes on while your world feels like it's standing still everyone else's world is moving on. Not a bad thing and not anything anyone is doing wrong but it happens, it's nearly unavoidable. The only problem with that is what you're left to wrestle with.
The topic of child loss is unfamiliar to many and an uncomfortable topic to approach. It's hard for people to know what to say and many think it's easier just to avoid the topic all together. Physically you look fine so you're obviously fine right? You can't actually hold or see the baby you lost so it's not that big of a deal right? If you're smiling than that must mean the pain is over right? I have found myself too often sitting in a room full of people but feeling completely alone. I used to be the fun loving, easy going, happy go lucky woman who could laugh at anything and mean it.
In this phase of life i'm still the fun loving, easy going happy go lucky woman but there are times where I have to pretend to laugh at something that I don't feel like laughing about. There are days where I have to put a smile on because that's what makes everyone feel more comfortable. There are days where I have to watch what I say about how i'm feeling so that people still know what to say to me. There are days where I feel like my skin is crawling and I don't recognize myself. There are days where I feel anxious and overwhelmed by everything. There are days where I force myself to do things I don't want to do. And with all of this come days where I feel like damaged goods. The days I feel as though before all of this happened people enjoyed being around me but now it just makes them uncomfortable. The days where it's just easier to avoid me than to approach me. The days where I can be there as long as I don't talk about what i'm feeling too much. The days where I used to get picked first but now I get picked last. An afterthought. A past tragedy.
One of the things Jimmy refuses to allow me to do is speak lies (like the above) over myself. The truth that I know is that I am loved and treasured by my friends and families and by the Lord. In moments like these Satan is working overtime to kick us while we're down. The point of this post along with all of my others is to validate your feelings if you've experienced or you are experiencing any feelings similar to these. I am right there with you! Been there and still doing that! I know how important that has been for me through all of these times to feel like someone out there understands me & that even as a Christian it is OK to have your moments of weakness where you kick a laundry basket out of no where. But once you've processed these feelings my hope is to speak truth over you! You are not damaged goods! You are redeemed! You are valued beyond measure. God gave his only son for YOU in order for you to have life and to have it to the fullest. Your circumstances do not dictate who you are becoming and where you are going. YOU ARE LOVED!
TRUTH: John 3:16 "For God so love the world (me) that He gave his only begotten son."