Let's take a second here to be real. Really real. For those of you reading that have experienced some form of child loss i'm sure you can relate to the fact that some days putting one foot in front of the other is the best form of victory. I know it might sound really basic and to some it might honestly sound weak. "Only one foot in front of the other?" "it's been weeks now shouldn't you just be passed all of this?" After all "the baby wasn't even far enough along to connect with" (which to my horror was an actual quote given to me by a nurse.)
I have had my days where I've thought to myself "c'mon Anna. get over yourself. Why can't you just do better? Be better? Heal faster!" for a good portion of the last three months I took my inability to heal "quick enough" as a sign of weakness not only mentally and physically, but Spiritually as well. I would catch myself thinking I wasn't a good enough Christian because I couldn't just trust that God had a good plan in store. And I would often feel guilty for my pain because there were so many people going through worse in our world. One truth my sister in law, Emily, shared with me in this regard is that you cannot and should not compare your pain with others. Each story is different, your pain is REAL and your feelings are valid. God knows that and He wants to walk through that with you.
I'll end with this. I AM NOT strong enough and I'm not supposed to be....I serve a God who is stronger and bigger than any of my circumstances, and walking in relationship with him includes leaning into him when we don't have enough strength to move forward on our own. I've had my fair share of angry moments with the Lord (which I'll write about in a separate post) but as I continue to move through this process I'm reminded of the promise that "he will never give me more than I can handle" (1 Corinthians 10:13) AND He will never leave me or forsake me" (Deuteronomy 31:6). So on those days where I don't feel like I can handle any more pain or heartache or confusion, He gives me just enough strength to move one more foot in front of the other and make it through another day. And with each new day healing is one step closer.