I am not sure how to put these words down the way they vividly jump at me inside my head, but I am praying God will help me write these thoughts down in a way that would minister to others.

My name is Nicole and I am 21 years old. My husband Nick and I got married January 16, 2016. Nick is a paratrooper in the United States Army. We had been together a few years, been through a deployment and our relationship was the kind I had always dreamed of as a little girl. It was always my dream to be a mother and to have children of my own and my husband was just as excited to get our family started as I was.  We had prayed it would happen on God’s time, however it was no surprise to me when I found out we were pregnant on March 29. For weeks I had been taking pregnancy tests and going to see the doctor, because somehow I just knew, before I was showing symptoms or anything, I knew that this child we had been praying for had become a reality. I went to the doctors week after week in March asking them to do another blood test or pregnancy test because I was just so sure it was happening, and week after week the results were negative. Until finally on March 28 I took another at home pregnancy test out of the blue, thinking I would just be disappointed again. I remember the tears that uncontrollably fell as I saw the results were positive, being so in awe at first I couldn’t even call out to my husband.  When I finally caught my breath, only screams could come out. We shared a moment of tear filled happiness, a moment I will remember for the rest of my life.

This would be much harder than I ever imagined, as a type 1 diabetic; I had an extremely high risk pregnancy.  I saw the doctor about 4 times more than the average pregnant person and had to constantly monitor my health. I was back and forth between appointments after appointment, and since I had just gotten married so recently I didn’t have very good health insurance.  I was desperate to get everything under control and would do anything it took. I saw a doctor that asked to take me completely off one insulin, and put me on another, a medication change that was very tricky to do and should have been monitored very closely. I was very unsure about doing this. But wanted to believe it would help make me better.  As soon as this medication change took place, my body became all messed up. One night my husband woke up to me seizing and in a diabetic coma. He quickly called 911 and thankfully they were able to get me awake with no visible damages.  It was only a few days after this I was having a follow up with my OBGYN to make sure the baby was okay and she had asked if my husband would like to hear the heart beat since he had not done so. I remember her doing an ultra sound and she could not get it positioned right and kept changing the settings. She asked to do a probe ultrasound since she couldn’t get the other to work.  She fussed with the settings for awhile and then her face drew a blank expression as she let us know the baby’s heart was no longer beating.

At that moment it felt like the world stopped spinning. We were in shock and disbelief. Everything after seems like a blur. I was offered three different options on how to handle the situation, however with my health, ended up being rushed into emergency surgery on the following Monday, May 2nd, to have a DNC. It took weeks of recovery from surgery and many trips, almost every day, back to the emergency room. After my body physically healed, I suffered from severe postpartum/ grief depression. I was put on an antidepressant to help me get through the rough spots.  It turned out that didn’t really help things very much and only really made things worse.

We lost our baby so soon we didn’t even get to find out the gender, but we chose the name Payton, a name that we liked for either gender. On Mother’s day, in remembrance we buried the baby’s remains under a lilac bush in my childhood yard.

The process of healing is still continuing even now, and I know it’s still a long road ahead of us. Many times have I wondered why this baby that we prayed about got taken so soon? Surely we wouldn’t have gotten pregnant if it wasn’t God’s will, but then I realize how little of God’s plan for my life I really understand. I know God has purpose in everything he hands us, even though sometimes we ourselves do not understand.  I will always think about the “Ifs”, if I was still pregnant we would be finding out the gender, or what would he or she be like when they grew up.  I have read other peoples stories of their loss, and spoken with other people that have had miscarriages too, and it continues to inspire me to hear people’s story and how God has helped them through this pain. I believe sharing and talking about what had happened with others gave me the most comfort. It truly is incredible to share with someone else who knows the exact depth of the pain and trials you have been through. I hope by sharing this and writing my story others are able to reach out to me or the many other women who have been through this pain and find comfort knowing that they are not alone in what they are going through.

Philippians 1:3 “I thank my God every time I remember you.”