My husband and I were married November 2015, shortly after we decided to stop our birth control, thinking that it would be a long journey to parenthood with my struggles previously with laparoscopic surgery and painful menstrual cycles. At the end of February 2016, we found out that we were indeed pregnant! I can honestly say, that was one of the most life changing experiences of my life. The journey after that moment was one that would truly wreck and test my spirit. Right off the bat, we had a love/hate relationship with our doctor. During our first visit, she told us that I was around 4 weeks along, but no sac was visible and it was likely that it could be an ectopic pregnancy, due to early spotting. We came home excited yet defeated, and decided to call and tell our parents the hesitant news. We asked for prayer and support during our journey. I was brought in every other day for blood work to check my levels. They were rising appropriately!
We were relieved and went in for a follow up appointment and my second ultrasound. We finally saw the sac, but no fetal pole, she congratulated us and planned for our follow up appointment to be 4 weeks out. The next day, I experienced cramps and spotting. We called the doctor and she had us come in the next day. She did a 3rd ultrasound and there was not very much growth. She feared it to be a blighted ovum. She requested that we come back in one more week. After praying and crying, we decided to let my body do what it was suppose to do. We waited about 4 weeks, which put me at around 8 weeks. I still had pregnancy symptoms, and over this waiting period, I had faith and peace that it would be ok. We were calling the baby "Zac the sac" because that was the only picture that we had of the baby at that time, so my husband and I were finding special moments between ourselves to enjoy the journey. When we finally went to our follow up appointment, we were told during my 4th (!!!) ultrasound that there was a baby, but no heartbeat. The doctor told us that with 100% certainty that our baby had passed away during the 8th week.
She laid out our options... 1) miscarry natural 2) take a medicine that would cause my body to contract and force a miscarriage over the weekend 3) have a D&C at the hospital. My mother was visiting with us, so in those 10 minutes I chose to have the baby miscarry through medication, so that I could mourn over the weekend with my family, and not have to play more of a waiting game. The doctor sent us to our local walgreens to get the medicine, as I was walking in with my husband, my cellphone rings and it was my doctor. She had changed her mind. She wanted to wait one more week before we decided to force a miscarriage. I have never felt so angry and confused in my life! I had made this crazy decision and now I was being told that there was a slim chance that she was wrong. So off we went, back home to wait and cry more. That week was the longest week I think I have ever experienced. I was walking around with either a miracle, or a baby that its spirit had already departed. When we returned she informed us that there was still no heart beat. We were heartbroken, I felt cheated.
I was so angry at God, at everyone around me. I did not want to be touched by anyone. I wanted to go home and get into my bed and sleep forever in a dream. The days to follow were unbearable. We decided to go for a second opinion, yet knowing what was going to happen. We stumbled upon another doctor that I had read reviews of, and walking into his office I felt peace. Walking into the exam room, I knew this experience would be different. He had the physicians prayer on the wall, and as soon as he followed up with his own ultrasound, and confirmed what we already expected.He laid out our options, and gave real life experiences that he and his wife had gone through with 4 miscarriages. He offered to do a D&C in the office a few hours later, and that is what we decided. At 10 weeks, it felt that this little special bond that I had, was broken, a part of me would be lost forever. I wasn't sure how I could walk around with a smile on my face, ever again. It was a dark place. The next day, I was laying in bed, and decided to get on facebook. I saw a video of Lauren Daigle singing, "Trust in You". The first sentence of the song , immediately slapped me across the face! It was the prayer that I wanted to pray, but didn't know how to form the words!
"Letting go of every single dream"... I had already formed this idea and dream of what this little baby would look like, what he would do (I just knew he would be a boy) I had to let that go... the chorus says,
"When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!"
Man...God, He didn't move the mountains that I needed to be moved, He didn't give me the answers I wanted...but I knew I had to trust in Him. I walked around the house for days and really weeks with this song on repeat in my head. It was my prayer. It still is on some days...
My story continues...
On June 11th, I had another pregnancy test. We were excited and amazed that it was able to happen so quickly! There was a little shadow of darkness that clouded our joy. Would this be our rainbow baby? Would this one be healthy? Would this one have a heartbeat? Would I be healthy? The day after we found out, I began to spot. Then it was heavier. I called the doctor that had completed my D&C, the one we loved! They suggest that I come in immediately, but I decided that I didn't want to go through a number of ultrasounds and play the what if game again,so I scheduled an appointment a week out. So I decided to go home to my parents house and spend the first week of my summer break off of teaching.
All week, I bled, and I searched google and pregnancy threads to encourage my concerns. I made it through the week, the bleeding tapering off, so I was thinking maybe there was a little bit of hope! We prayed and prayed for safety and a healthy baby. I came back from my trip to my parents. On my first day back home, I began to experience extreme back pain, and the bleeding picked up very heavily. I was honestly worried about my life, I had never experienced so much bleeding and pain. I called my husband who met me at the ER. We went through a 30 minute ultrasound, as they searched for the baby, we had blood tests that confirmed I was 4 weeks pregnant. They were concerned that I was having an ectopic pregnancy, but my levels were not high enough to be worried about a rupture. I had to stay in the ER for a little bit longer as my heart rate was crazy, which was followed up by an EKG and fluids. We were finally released at 8pm.Two hours later, our little home, I had my second miscarriage. This time, it wasn't in a sterile exam room, but in the comfort of my home. I had more closure during this experience, because from reading threads, I knew exactly what I was looking at when the little pearl size sac passed. The next day, we went back to the doctor, and he confirmed that I had had another miscarriage. He began to discuss with us what it meant to have recurrent miscarriages. We have begun our testing to see what might be causing it. Right now, we are in the waiting place. The doctor told us that we could try again as soon as my first cycle completed, but we decided to wait for a few cycles so that my body and spirit has time to heal.
While I am healing another Lauren Daigle song "Revival" has been my comfort.
"I will run and not grow weary
I will walk, I will not faint
I will soar on wings like eagles
Find my rest in Your everlasting name"
I am running the race, I am in this, and I trusting in Him to give me my hopes and dreams. Its a constant healing process, I am constantly growing and changing as a person because of these two devastating moments in my life. These two little babies, are my life, and my story. I have named them Zachery and Hannah in my mind. Zachery for our little inside joke, a moment I want to remember with happiness, and Hannah. In the first book of Samuel, Hannah who was mistaken as a drunk woman by the priest Eli, because her mouth was moving but no words were coming forth. Eli went to her and fussed at her for being drunk, but she explained that she was just praying for her womb to be filled, she was pouring out her soul. God opened her womb, and gave her Samuel. That's how I feel. I am pouring out all I have in this journey.
I am not perfect, and there are days that I want to punch people who tell me that this is God's plan, because I can not imagine that God would cause this pain. I do not want to put that on Him, in my moments of weakness I do not want to blame Him. I'm not quite sure how that works, but I just can't explain this by saying it's God's plan, who are we to even say that? I have come to the conclusion, I might not ever be able to understand while I am here on earth. But I do believe God will give me answers and peace when I am in heaven with my two little babies. I know that God is the reason I can wake up in the morning and continue to fight for my body and my future babies, and for the babies that have gone ahead of me. I hope I can run up beside others that are experiencing this same pain, that is often silenced by our society. We should stand proud, and honor our little ones that have left an imprint on our lives... Their little imprints are lasting, and precious.